Friend of mine made the comment to me today that her husband's recent (and severe) injury made her realize how much she had taken for granted. We all do - it's human nature, I suppose, to just accept 'the way things are' as the norm. And most of us are fortunate enough that our norm is reasonably pleasant, relatively painless and not too fraught with difficulties. Oh, sure, each of us has our personal challenges, but life in general is a pretty decent experience. If it's too uncomfortable, that inspires us to make the necessary changes to line it up with our expectations of how we 'should' be living.
The trouble with the complacency that tends to arrive along with lack of excessive stress in our lives is that we can completely forget how to strive, how to reach for more.
We are not inspired to attempt the impossible any more. We no longer try to grow wings, reinvent ourselves, think about the ideals we used to have, or put ourselves in difficult situations just so we can grow.
Well....yes, it is very pleasant to be comfortable. After years of hard work, if we've managed to reach a plateau on which to rest, it does feel good to just sit and stare at the scenery for a bit. The problem is that the 'just sitting' can become habit, and we no longer have any interest in continuing to move forward. In fact, if we don't pay attention, we can begin to devolve into cranky old farts who react to anything new by comparing it (negatively) to 'the way things used to be'. I think laziness is a very natural human condition, and it takes an active decision to motivate ourselves to move forward.
The older we get, the easier it is to find excuses for not changing - the body doesn't cooperate, the brain's a bit sluggish, we're more tired, everything takes more effort than it used to, ad nauseum. On top of that, so much of what's considered 'new and exciting' is stuff we've already tried, done, excelled at or found wasn't effective anyway. I've got a birthday just around the corner, which means that next year I'm going to be 60. SIXTY. Beginning my 7th decade. Older than dirt (according to my son in law!).
But what about all those unrealized dreams? I know I won't ever skydive now, but I used to long to experience that. (Now, with my back collapsing in on itself at the rate of knots, I know the landing would put me in a wheelchair.) But last summer I did do something I've always wanted to try - I went up in an open-cockpit biplane, and experienced some aeronautical acrobatics. Unfortunately, because I already have extremely low blood pressure, the g's knocked me out, but I HAVE lived through a full loop-the-loop! And then was able to thrill to the flight down the Rogue River, face in the wind, no glass between me and the full view of the sights and sounds. It was sheer heaven, and if I could afford it I'd be up every weekend.
The 'bucket list' became such an overused term that it's already obsolete, but really we should care enough about what we really want to experience that we are willing to make the effort necessary to make it happen. Sure, some things are totally impractical (I'm thinking space travel probably isn't going to happen for most of us) but perhaps there are adaptations we can make to our dreams? It's difficult to justify selfish desires - I definitely have a hard time with that one - but then again, when I went up in that biplane last year, my kids all watched and learned that there's not much Mama won't try....and that's an excellent, practical lesson for them. Especially since they have a Mama who is MUCH older than their friends' mothers... I want my girls to grow up being courageous, adventurous, and willing to try. And I want them to know that, no matter what their practical limitations might be, they never have to believe that they 'can't'.
So, perhaps it's time to indulge in our fantasies for a bit. Allow ourselves to spend time thinking about all those marvelous experiences we wanted to have. Consider which are actually possible to achieve, and consider if they are worth the time, money and effort necessary. Are WE worth the effort, to realize our dreams?
My counsel for years has been for people to follow their heart. I've lived a while, and have done lots of practical things which ignored my desires and longing - and I've learned over the years that regrets will only come if we don't acknowledge our dreams. And then I began to live my dream of having a large, inclusive family. And while I'm doing it alone, (because my husband didn't live long enough to follow his dreams), and I'm doing it as someone who is definitely past the prime of her life, and someone who has some physical issues which are limiting, and someone who definitely doesn't have the financial resources to do this at all - I've never been more filled with joy and peace and satisfaction and love.
So I speak from experience when I say "Live while you're alive"....
............................................................keep dancing!
Keep Calm and Carry On.....
We are all children of the same universe
Friday, August 10, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
lines in the sand, proud, and other random things that are bothering me tonight...
good morning, world. Sorry to have been gone a while - school holidays, glorious summertime, busy kids and busy mama. Fun, though!
Tonight, for your delectation and enjoyment, we will be serving a hash of the English language......actually, we will be correcting that hash, minus the tomato sauce and with just a little ranting thrown in.
Firstly, the word PROUD.
Great word, and justifiable when one has actually accomplished something worthwhile.
When one has not - as when someone ELSE has accomplished the worthwhile something - one is not proud. Truly, what is there to be proud of when talking about the Olympic winners, a local woman making good, or a friend doing something marvelous? Yes, I understand national pride (as misplaced as it is), but it's not as though you were the one crossing the finish line before everyone else, is it? The only people with the right to be proud of an Olympian are the competitor themselves, their coaches, and possibly their teammates if it's a team event. Otherwise one is abrogating a sense of self worth to which one is not entitled. Even when parents are proud of their children, it needs to be because of the child's actual accomplishments, not how those accomplishments reflect on the parents. (Yes, parents can be proud - and those of us who are also grandparents do claim a little of the glory, just because we can ;).)
I am heartily sick of reading people's posts stating how 'proud' they are of total strangers. Someone makes a wonderful video raising awareness of autism, perhaps, and I see post after post stating how 'proud' various individuals are. Why? They did nothing. They are reading about it, not DOING it. Local community members are 'proud' of our high school graduating class. People are 'proud' of firefighters, or their favourite sports team.
Pride must be earned - not by affiliation, but by action.
And now on to another phrase that's been bugging the hell out of me since it first started being misused: Line in the sand.
The phrase was used when I was growing up, but it meant to make a stand that one would not be able to enforce - which makes perfect sense. Sand is hardly concrete, or marble - it moves, it shifts, it's blown by winds or washed by the sea. If you draw a line in the sand at the beach (which is primarily where you'll find sand) it will last until the tide comes in.
For some reason I'm now hearing used to mean an immutable, definitive mark, one which establishes a position permanently. Now, when I hear a politician state that he is 'drawing a line in the sand' on a particular platform, I snarkle to myself because my thought is that is exactly what he is doing....however, I know he is intending to imply that he is holding a definite position. I don't know who began the misuse, but surely people have enough common sense...oh, wait. Yeah. Ok, well surely SOMEONE realizes that it's a stupid mistake? Please, if you have found yourself using the term, do take the time to think about it for a minute.
And another thing. Fun. Fun is NOT an adjective. I don't care if assorted ill-advised dictionaries have accepted it, it is not correct to say "We had a fun time at the beach, drawing lines in the sand". You may have had fun, something might be fun to do, or you may even be fortunate enough that you'll find something even more fun - not funner.
Ow. It hurts. Stop it.
And then there's the letter Y. There are five vowels, not six. Stop teaching my children that the letter Y is one of the vowels because I will correct them when they are doing their homework. And I WILL come and chat with you if you mark them down because of what I teach them. And you won't think we are having a fun time, because I am not drawing a line in the sand.
So, as Snoopy says to Woodstock when he is bemoaning grammatical abuse, "There, their, they're".....
.................................................words can dance on the page if you just allow it..
Tonight, for your delectation and enjoyment, we will be serving a hash of the English language......actually, we will be correcting that hash, minus the tomato sauce and with just a little ranting thrown in.
Firstly, the word PROUD.
Great word, and justifiable when one has actually accomplished something worthwhile.
When one has not - as when someone ELSE has accomplished the worthwhile something - one is not proud. Truly, what is there to be proud of when talking about the Olympic winners, a local woman making good, or a friend doing something marvelous? Yes, I understand national pride (as misplaced as it is), but it's not as though you were the one crossing the finish line before everyone else, is it? The only people with the right to be proud of an Olympian are the competitor themselves, their coaches, and possibly their teammates if it's a team event. Otherwise one is abrogating a sense of self worth to which one is not entitled. Even when parents are proud of their children, it needs to be because of the child's actual accomplishments, not how those accomplishments reflect on the parents. (Yes, parents can be proud - and those of us who are also grandparents do claim a little of the glory, just because we can ;).)
I am heartily sick of reading people's posts stating how 'proud' they are of total strangers. Someone makes a wonderful video raising awareness of autism, perhaps, and I see post after post stating how 'proud' various individuals are. Why? They did nothing. They are reading about it, not DOING it. Local community members are 'proud' of our high school graduating class. People are 'proud' of firefighters, or their favourite sports team.
Pride must be earned - not by affiliation, but by action.
And now on to another phrase that's been bugging the hell out of me since it first started being misused: Line in the sand.
The phrase was used when I was growing up, but it meant to make a stand that one would not be able to enforce - which makes perfect sense. Sand is hardly concrete, or marble - it moves, it shifts, it's blown by winds or washed by the sea. If you draw a line in the sand at the beach (which is primarily where you'll find sand) it will last until the tide comes in.
For some reason I'm now hearing used to mean an immutable, definitive mark, one which establishes a position permanently. Now, when I hear a politician state that he is 'drawing a line in the sand' on a particular platform, I snarkle to myself because my thought is that is exactly what he is doing....however, I know he is intending to imply that he is holding a definite position. I don't know who began the misuse, but surely people have enough common sense...oh, wait. Yeah. Ok, well surely SOMEONE realizes that it's a stupid mistake? Please, if you have found yourself using the term, do take the time to think about it for a minute.
And another thing. Fun. Fun is NOT an adjective. I don't care if assorted ill-advised dictionaries have accepted it, it is not correct to say "We had a fun time at the beach, drawing lines in the sand". You may have had fun, something might be fun to do, or you may even be fortunate enough that you'll find something even more fun - not funner.
Ow. It hurts. Stop it.
And then there's the letter Y. There are five vowels, not six. Stop teaching my children that the letter Y is one of the vowels because I will correct them when they are doing their homework. And I WILL come and chat with you if you mark them down because of what I teach them. And you won't think we are having a fun time, because I am not drawing a line in the sand.
So, as Snoopy says to Woodstock when he is bemoaning grammatical abuse, "There, their, they're".....
.................................................words can dance on the page if you just allow it..
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Choice
No, this entry isn't about 'a woman's right to choose'. That would be another entire blog. (Just in case you didn't know this about me, I believe abortion is murder.)
It's about the fact that we are fully capable of choosing our lives.
I am tired of hearing whining about people's 'luck' or 'my parents never let me...' or 'my life just hasn't turned out the way I planned'. Big girl panties, people. You are a grown up now, nobody can choose for you.
Yes, we all get into situations that seem impossible to escape sometimes. We've all been broke (well, most of us!) at some time in our lives, with the bills piling up and no apparent way to pay 'em. We've all had miserable things happen for no apparent reason.
SO???
Those define you?
No. They don't. Who YOU are is who you choose to be. Attitude is everything - you either let the outside influences affect you negatively, or you choose to stand firm in who and what you are, standing tall in what you know to be true. If you've hit a rough spot, it doesn't mean you are a bad person. It means you've hit a rough spot. How you choose to move forward is far more indicative of 'you' than the position you find yourself in.
If you hit one rough spot after another, perhaps it's time to sit down and think about the fact that your learning curve might need some tweaking.
Personally, I have a problem with budgeting. If there's money in the bank, I feel safe and am (frequently overly) generous with my family and others in need. Then there's a lot less money, and I feel stressed and worried. I know I have to figure this out, it's just extremely difficult for me to say no when I could help. That's my biggest 'learning curve' problem, but I own it and acknowledge that it's something I have to fix. And I will.
I have the advantage of having lived for a long time and having many experiences which I have survived, so I know that nothing is ever the end of the world. (No matter how bad it seems at the time.)
What I find frustrating is listening to people who constantly whine and whinge about their lives, blaming everybody else for what are the consequences of their own choices. They never seem to learn that THEY, and they alone, are responsible.
In my many years of work with victims of domestic violence I met many, many women who were brainwashed into believing they had no other choice but to stay with their abusive partner. Sadly enough, these women also considered themselves responsible for the situations they were in - the abuse was always 'their fault' because they believed their abusers when they said the women had done something wrong that justified the abuse.
I am not talking about these women as being responsible for their choices - just like prisoners of war, they are not free to think their own thoughts or make their own choices.
I'm talking about people who are not victims, but choose to make themselves so. The person who has a problem with their attitude, and gets fired from one job after another.
The person who signs a rental agreement that specifically states 'no more than four people' and then proceeds to let their out of work brother, an old friend, and their mother move in, and gets evicted.
The person who has a small income, but spends to the limit on their credit cards and then can't make the payments.
Unfortunately for them, often the above scenarios all happen to the same person. And they happen time and time again. Then the whine is 'we're living in a horrible little shack because nobody else will rent to us'....
And then there are those who feel the world has done them wrong because they weren't born Bill Gates, or their grandparents didn't leave them anything in the will, or they didn't win the lottery, or they didn't get to go to Hollywood and become the next Big Thing, or...or...
We choose what and who we are. Yes, we do. Our lives are the compilation of many things, some of which were out of our control, but how we choose to live is completely up to us. There are people with nothing, living in the most unimaginable poverty, in appalling conditions, who love and cherish their children and manage to make their lives worth something. And there are those who have 'everything', who are bloody miserable and make everyone around them miserable too. And there are the rest of us - perfectly unremarkable people, who live as best we can with what we have.
I have no patience with whiners. If you can fix it, do so. If you can't, suck it up and keep moving on. If you hate your life - pick a different one. Or change your attitude about the one you have. If you have a medical problem, no insurance, and it's getting worse - it sucks. But that doesn't mean you have to whine about it to everyone - it doesn't fix your problem and it just makes them feel bad too. Focus on what you CAN do, not what you can't. You can't fix world hunger, or climate change, or genocide - but you can volunteer at a soup kitchen, buy locally and recycle, live with love. You can bake cookies for a homeless shelter, donate used books to a senior centre, volunteer as a foster parent for pets (kids are much more challenging!). There is always something you can do for others, rather than sitting about and feeling sorry for yourself.
And there's a lot you can do for yourself, too - it all begins with attitude. No, I'm not recommending you look in the mirror every morning and chant some mantra about how wonderful you are. Perhaps that works for some people - good - but for most of us we would just feel silly about lying to ourselves. But you can think about what you want, what you believe your life should mean, what you want to have pass before you as you come to the end of your life - the really important things. And then consider whether you are doing what you can to accomplish those things.
Don't focus on the minor stuff. That comes and goes. Take a look at the whole picture of your life, and what really matters to you. Who are you? What do you really want, as opposed to what you were thinking you want right now?
If long-term planning is your thing, excellent. Me, I have no idea what I'll be doing next week, let alone next year. And I lived many years without any idea of where I was going - but somehow, the 'meaning' of my life has always been clear to me: I was supposed to change the world. (megalomania much?!!) Seriously, my driving force was to make a difference, to make things better for others. I have definitely wandered into some pretty strange arenas in my efforts to make that happen, but now here I am, at 14 months away from 60, and somehow I have 10 children (2 of them biological). And five of them still live at home - ages 2 to 27. And the majority of them have issues that make living an ordinary life impossible for them. So I have muddled along in my own peculiar way, but along the way I've been making a difference. Huh. Who knew?
We're usually juggling bills, recycling and re-purposing a lot, and doing things that don't cost money, but there is a lot of laughter here, and a lot of love. At the end of every day I am exhausted (and after midnight is about the only time I have to write), but my littlest boy (6, has severe autism, is non-verbal) now climbs up on my lap for a cuddle, and voluntarily gives me kisses....and when he came to live with me 4 1/2 years ago, nobody thought that could ever happen. I'll sleep when I'm dead ;)
Or, I guess, I could whine about how tired I am, and how exhausting it is to care for so many needy little people, how hard I work, how difficult it is to make ends meet....but I CHOOSE to find joy in my life, in the little bits of magic that happen daily. Both attitudes have a true basis, but only one allows me to celebrate. I choose joy - your choice is up to you.
.......................................................................keep dancing
No, this entry isn't about 'a woman's right to choose'. That would be another entire blog. (Just in case you didn't know this about me, I believe abortion is murder.)
It's about the fact that we are fully capable of choosing our lives.
I am tired of hearing whining about people's 'luck' or 'my parents never let me...' or 'my life just hasn't turned out the way I planned'. Big girl panties, people. You are a grown up now, nobody can choose for you.
Yes, we all get into situations that seem impossible to escape sometimes. We've all been broke (well, most of us!) at some time in our lives, with the bills piling up and no apparent way to pay 'em. We've all had miserable things happen for no apparent reason.
SO???
Those define you?
No. They don't. Who YOU are is who you choose to be. Attitude is everything - you either let the outside influences affect you negatively, or you choose to stand firm in who and what you are, standing tall in what you know to be true. If you've hit a rough spot, it doesn't mean you are a bad person. It means you've hit a rough spot. How you choose to move forward is far more indicative of 'you' than the position you find yourself in.
If you hit one rough spot after another, perhaps it's time to sit down and think about the fact that your learning curve might need some tweaking.
Personally, I have a problem with budgeting. If there's money in the bank, I feel safe and am (frequently overly) generous with my family and others in need. Then there's a lot less money, and I feel stressed and worried. I know I have to figure this out, it's just extremely difficult for me to say no when I could help. That's my biggest 'learning curve' problem, but I own it and acknowledge that it's something I have to fix. And I will.
I have the advantage of having lived for a long time and having many experiences which I have survived, so I know that nothing is ever the end of the world. (No matter how bad it seems at the time.)
What I find frustrating is listening to people who constantly whine and whinge about their lives, blaming everybody else for what are the consequences of their own choices. They never seem to learn that THEY, and they alone, are responsible.
In my many years of work with victims of domestic violence I met many, many women who were brainwashed into believing they had no other choice but to stay with their abusive partner. Sadly enough, these women also considered themselves responsible for the situations they were in - the abuse was always 'their fault' because they believed their abusers when they said the women had done something wrong that justified the abuse.
I am not talking about these women as being responsible for their choices - just like prisoners of war, they are not free to think their own thoughts or make their own choices.
I'm talking about people who are not victims, but choose to make themselves so. The person who has a problem with their attitude, and gets fired from one job after another.
The person who signs a rental agreement that specifically states 'no more than four people' and then proceeds to let their out of work brother, an old friend, and their mother move in, and gets evicted.
The person who has a small income, but spends to the limit on their credit cards and then can't make the payments.
Unfortunately for them, often the above scenarios all happen to the same person. And they happen time and time again. Then the whine is 'we're living in a horrible little shack because nobody else will rent to us'....
And then there are those who feel the world has done them wrong because they weren't born Bill Gates, or their grandparents didn't leave them anything in the will, or they didn't win the lottery, or they didn't get to go to Hollywood and become the next Big Thing, or...or...
We choose what and who we are. Yes, we do. Our lives are the compilation of many things, some of which were out of our control, but how we choose to live is completely up to us. There are people with nothing, living in the most unimaginable poverty, in appalling conditions, who love and cherish their children and manage to make their lives worth something. And there are those who have 'everything', who are bloody miserable and make everyone around them miserable too. And there are the rest of us - perfectly unremarkable people, who live as best we can with what we have.
I have no patience with whiners. If you can fix it, do so. If you can't, suck it up and keep moving on. If you hate your life - pick a different one. Or change your attitude about the one you have. If you have a medical problem, no insurance, and it's getting worse - it sucks. But that doesn't mean you have to whine about it to everyone - it doesn't fix your problem and it just makes them feel bad too. Focus on what you CAN do, not what you can't. You can't fix world hunger, or climate change, or genocide - but you can volunteer at a soup kitchen, buy locally and recycle, live with love. You can bake cookies for a homeless shelter, donate used books to a senior centre, volunteer as a foster parent for pets (kids are much more challenging!). There is always something you can do for others, rather than sitting about and feeling sorry for yourself.
And there's a lot you can do for yourself, too - it all begins with attitude. No, I'm not recommending you look in the mirror every morning and chant some mantra about how wonderful you are. Perhaps that works for some people - good - but for most of us we would just feel silly about lying to ourselves. But you can think about what you want, what you believe your life should mean, what you want to have pass before you as you come to the end of your life - the really important things. And then consider whether you are doing what you can to accomplish those things.
Don't focus on the minor stuff. That comes and goes. Take a look at the whole picture of your life, and what really matters to you. Who are you? What do you really want, as opposed to what you were thinking you want right now?
If long-term planning is your thing, excellent. Me, I have no idea what I'll be doing next week, let alone next year. And I lived many years without any idea of where I was going - but somehow, the 'meaning' of my life has always been clear to me: I was supposed to change the world. (megalomania much?!!) Seriously, my driving force was to make a difference, to make things better for others. I have definitely wandered into some pretty strange arenas in my efforts to make that happen, but now here I am, at 14 months away from 60, and somehow I have 10 children (2 of them biological). And five of them still live at home - ages 2 to 27. And the majority of them have issues that make living an ordinary life impossible for them. So I have muddled along in my own peculiar way, but along the way I've been making a difference. Huh. Who knew?
We're usually juggling bills, recycling and re-purposing a lot, and doing things that don't cost money, but there is a lot of laughter here, and a lot of love. At the end of every day I am exhausted (and after midnight is about the only time I have to write), but my littlest boy (6, has severe autism, is non-verbal) now climbs up on my lap for a cuddle, and voluntarily gives me kisses....and when he came to live with me 4 1/2 years ago, nobody thought that could ever happen. I'll sleep when I'm dead ;)
Or, I guess, I could whine about how tired I am, and how exhausting it is to care for so many needy little people, how hard I work, how difficult it is to make ends meet....but I CHOOSE to find joy in my life, in the little bits of magic that happen daily. Both attitudes have a true basis, but only one allows me to celebrate. I choose joy - your choice is up to you.
.......................................................................keep dancing
Monday, June 25, 2012
Well, it feels rather odd to be back here after all this time! I love writing, and I've missed you all and the support / comments / arguments / etc. that my blogs inspired - it's just been a very full year! No way to do a 'quick' recap, so won't even try. Suffice it to say that my family grew (again), and things have been madly, crazily busy.
I'm delighted to be sitting here again, though - have SO many thoughts I want to share!
Something I do want to discuss is autism, and how we perceive it. It occurred to me today, as Tiss and I were talking about our kids, that I really do have a very different approach from most. (Hers is similar to mine, but then, we do tend to look at life in much the same way ;) )
I find that I'm often the recipient of well-meant compliments about my apparently saintly actions in adopting so many children who have special needs - primarily autism. The truth is, I really, really, LIKE these children, it's not a hardship to me in any way to live with 'em. Perhaps if I can share some of my thoughts on living with children who have autism, people will consider there might be a different perspective from the one they've always had...then again, probably not, as this is not exactly a widely read blog. But at least those of you who read it will get a look into the way my brain works ;)
The thing is, to me people who have autism are like beings from another place. Our world is the dominant one, and consequently they are forced to learn (or try to) the social mores and rules of our society.
Imagine, if you will, a world in which you were supposed to be male. If you were born female, you would be expected to take medications to suppress your hormones, and you would be required to act like a man. If you failed to do this, you would be considered 'flawed', and shunted aside into 'special' homes or workplaces. No matter how hard you tried to pee standing up, it would still dribble down your leg.
Right. Not fair, no valuing the differences, no acceptance for variations from the norm.
This is the world our people with autism live in.
Now, I'm not suggesting that we immediately require the world to change its point of view and adapt completely to total acceptance (although it would be really nice!), but I do think there needs to be a sea change in the general perception of autism and autistic behaviour.
When you are fortunate enough to live with a person with autism, you tend to become aware that perception is nine tenths of acceptance. If an 'outsider' perceives your child as a person-with-autism rather than an autistic-person, you find they are much more accepting of the differences while still valuing the person. The 'oh, you have an autistic child' type tends to see the autism instead of the child.
I'll take my Tiri as an example of a child with autism - she is not typical, because there IS no typical in the world of autism. But here she is: she is verbal (although sometimes difficult to understand), she loves steel bridges and trains and gets really, really excited whenever she sees either one, she 'talks to the fairies' (which is our family's way of describing her vocalizations), she perseverates, she hand-flaps, she postures, she has sensory issues, she's still wearing pull-ups because using the bathroom is not a priority for her (she'll be 9 in a month). She loves to cuddle, she is wonderful with our animals, she has manners, she loves to read and can read anything, she cares deeply about her family members AND their feelings, she has an amazing ability to remember directions (how to get somewhere), she can find Waldo quicker than anyone else, she's really good at computer games and Wii, she likes to make up stories and tell them to me, she has the most wonderful gurgly chuckle and she laughs a lot. Tiri sees the world we live in in a completely different light. She focuses on things we may not notice until she draws our attention to them. Different things have greater importance to her. When I look at a flower garden, I appreciate the design, the use of colour, perhaps the scents - when she looks at it, she may focus on the one dandelion over in the corner and get excited because it's the same colour as the dress her sister is wearing. Or the tiny bug I didn't notice. Or the delphinium, because one of our chickens is named Delphinium. (Don't ask.)
My point here is that Tiri's way of seeing the world is not better or worse than mine, it's just different. And her way of 'being' is the same - not better or worse. But in our society, she is considered 'special' which is a frequently used as a politically correct way of saying 'less than' or even 'defective'.
When one lives with people who have autism, one's horizons are broadened considerably - but it's actually a lovely experience, not a negative one. Keeping my brain stretched and learning is something I enjoy, not resist. Being open to new perspectives surely keeps us mentally acute and able to continue learning throughout our lives - isn't this a good thing? I think so - 'normal' (whatever the hell that is) has no appeal and sounds really boring to me. If we as a society were more receptive to differences, rather than trying so hard to homogenize everyone, we'd all be happier - we could celebrate new perspectives instead of attacking anyone who holds a different view.
So, in my home, I am able to enjoy fresh, new ways of seeing things every day - that's what I mean about really liking living with children who have autism. It's a delight to me to see something ordinary in a brand new light. It makes me laugh, it keeps my brain (very) active, it makes me happy. It's fun to learn that plain old bubble wrap is actually called bubble rats, and that bubble bath is supposed to be bumble bath. I can still believe in Father Christmas, because my children do. Their world is a really wonderful place (most of the time), and I am allowed to travel in it - and I am the safe landing for them when they come to live in ours for a while. Think of them as visitors....these people with autism, they are ambassadors of a different place. Let's make them welcome.
.................................................................keep dancing.............
I'm delighted to be sitting here again, though - have SO many thoughts I want to share!
Something I do want to discuss is autism, and how we perceive it. It occurred to me today, as Tiss and I were talking about our kids, that I really do have a very different approach from most. (Hers is similar to mine, but then, we do tend to look at life in much the same way ;) )
I find that I'm often the recipient of well-meant compliments about my apparently saintly actions in adopting so many children who have special needs - primarily autism. The truth is, I really, really, LIKE these children, it's not a hardship to me in any way to live with 'em. Perhaps if I can share some of my thoughts on living with children who have autism, people will consider there might be a different perspective from the one they've always had...then again, probably not, as this is not exactly a widely read blog. But at least those of you who read it will get a look into the way my brain works ;)
The thing is, to me people who have autism are like beings from another place. Our world is the dominant one, and consequently they are forced to learn (or try to) the social mores and rules of our society.
Imagine, if you will, a world in which you were supposed to be male. If you were born female, you would be expected to take medications to suppress your hormones, and you would be required to act like a man. If you failed to do this, you would be considered 'flawed', and shunted aside into 'special' homes or workplaces. No matter how hard you tried to pee standing up, it would still dribble down your leg.
Right. Not fair, no valuing the differences, no acceptance for variations from the norm.
This is the world our people with autism live in.
Now, I'm not suggesting that we immediately require the world to change its point of view and adapt completely to total acceptance (although it would be really nice!), but I do think there needs to be a sea change in the general perception of autism and autistic behaviour.
When you are fortunate enough to live with a person with autism, you tend to become aware that perception is nine tenths of acceptance. If an 'outsider' perceives your child as a person-with-autism rather than an autistic-person, you find they are much more accepting of the differences while still valuing the person. The 'oh, you have an autistic child' type tends to see the autism instead of the child.
I'll take my Tiri as an example of a child with autism - she is not typical, because there IS no typical in the world of autism. But here she is: she is verbal (although sometimes difficult to understand), she loves steel bridges and trains and gets really, really excited whenever she sees either one, she 'talks to the fairies' (which is our family's way of describing her vocalizations), she perseverates, she hand-flaps, she postures, she has sensory issues, she's still wearing pull-ups because using the bathroom is not a priority for her (she'll be 9 in a month). She loves to cuddle, she is wonderful with our animals, she has manners, she loves to read and can read anything, she cares deeply about her family members AND their feelings, she has an amazing ability to remember directions (how to get somewhere), she can find Waldo quicker than anyone else, she's really good at computer games and Wii, she likes to make up stories and tell them to me, she has the most wonderful gurgly chuckle and she laughs a lot. Tiri sees the world we live in in a completely different light. She focuses on things we may not notice until she draws our attention to them. Different things have greater importance to her. When I look at a flower garden, I appreciate the design, the use of colour, perhaps the scents - when she looks at it, she may focus on the one dandelion over in the corner and get excited because it's the same colour as the dress her sister is wearing. Or the tiny bug I didn't notice. Or the delphinium, because one of our chickens is named Delphinium. (Don't ask.)
My point here is that Tiri's way of seeing the world is not better or worse than mine, it's just different. And her way of 'being' is the same - not better or worse. But in our society, she is considered 'special' which is a frequently used as a politically correct way of saying 'less than' or even 'defective'.
When one lives with people who have autism, one's horizons are broadened considerably - but it's actually a lovely experience, not a negative one. Keeping my brain stretched and learning is something I enjoy, not resist. Being open to new perspectives surely keeps us mentally acute and able to continue learning throughout our lives - isn't this a good thing? I think so - 'normal' (whatever the hell that is) has no appeal and sounds really boring to me. If we as a society were more receptive to differences, rather than trying so hard to homogenize everyone, we'd all be happier - we could celebrate new perspectives instead of attacking anyone who holds a different view.
So, in my home, I am able to enjoy fresh, new ways of seeing things every day - that's what I mean about really liking living with children who have autism. It's a delight to me to see something ordinary in a brand new light. It makes me laugh, it keeps my brain (very) active, it makes me happy. It's fun to learn that plain old bubble wrap is actually called bubble rats, and that bubble bath is supposed to be bumble bath. I can still believe in Father Christmas, because my children do. Their world is a really wonderful place (most of the time), and I am allowed to travel in it - and I am the safe landing for them when they come to live in ours for a while. Think of them as visitors....these people with autism, they are ambassadors of a different place. Let's make them welcome.
.................................................................keep dancing.............
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
failure
Our society fails those who suffer from mental illness - we all know this academically.
But when it's not academic - when it affects your heart - how do you deal with knowing someone is out there, someone you love, who is at horrific risk because of their illness? When there is nothing more you can do to help, nothing you can say that will actually change the facts, nothing...nothing at all.
We have systems in place that work for some of the people, some of the time. They are moderately effective at best, they offer the most basic safety net, and they aren't designed to be easily navigated by those who actually need them . (They need strong advocates who can get them through the hoops to get their needs met.)
But, once those 'clients' age out of the support system and have to advocate for themselves, the systems fail.
Many people who have mental illnesses are not easy to help. Many have struggled to find their own way for so long that they don't trust anyone. Many have been let down, either in reality or by their own misunderstanding of what's expected, and refuse whatever is offered. Many have disorders that cause them to think erratically or irrationally and are unable to follow the steps necessary to get the help they need. Many have anger issues (understandably) and react negatively to direction. Many are volatile and, while they have learned the social skills necessary for common interactions, are not able to handle opposition to their stated desires. Most people who suffer from mental illness are not developmentally delayed, of sub-'normal' intelligence, or incapable. They do not need help across the street, a 'Disabled' sign for their vehicle, or a babysitter.
All are people - people of value and beauty and ability and creativity, with the same needs as everyone else - respect, compassion, affection, home, family.
But, because of their illness, many are so very vulnerable to predators, con artists, and others seeking to use them for their own purposes. Because of their illness, many have become ostracized from their families, and try to find other ways (and other people) to meet their needs. Sometimes they have dreams that are not going to be realized but, predators being what they are, are led to believe and hope that they are on the path to fulfil those dreams while they are actually being used in ways that will destroy not only their dreams but possibly their lives.
I can't give more details, because this is not only my story but that of someone I love - whom I can't help. But I can tell you that I am sick at heart. I rail at the system that has failed this person, the inability of our society to support and protect our vulnerable ones, our society that has supported (by pretending it doesn't exist) the sex trade, the society of good ol' boys that nods and winks and then blames the victims, and the women who refuse to stand up and cry out in the name of freedom. The churches who preach love and acceptance but judge and condemn, the legal system that preaches justice for all (but only if you're white, male, Protestant and reasonably wealthy - oh, and not gay), the social service system that has become an unwieldy Goliath, in place to support the employees instead of providing actual services...I'm mad at them all.
I'm furious with those who decided that closing mental hospitals was a good idea, because the communities would then rally and support their own inhabitants (yeah, how's that one working out?). I'm mad at people who are too afraid of someone who's a bit 'different' to actually reach out and try to help them. I'm mad at Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, whoever the hell they might be - I don't care - because between them all they made this mess and nobody wants to take responsibility to clean it up.
And you know what? Ultimately, it's not 'mad' - it's terrible grief. There's a heart here that's weeping and knows there's no good resolution.
Not dancing tonight.
later.
But when it's not academic - when it affects your heart - how do you deal with knowing someone is out there, someone you love, who is at horrific risk because of their illness? When there is nothing more you can do to help, nothing you can say that will actually change the facts, nothing...nothing at all.
We have systems in place that work for some of the people, some of the time. They are moderately effective at best, they offer the most basic safety net, and they aren't designed to be easily navigated by those who actually need them . (They need strong advocates who can get them through the hoops to get their needs met.)
But, once those 'clients' age out of the support system and have to advocate for themselves, the systems fail.
Many people who have mental illnesses are not easy to help. Many have struggled to find their own way for so long that they don't trust anyone. Many have been let down, either in reality or by their own misunderstanding of what's expected, and refuse whatever is offered. Many have disorders that cause them to think erratically or irrationally and are unable to follow the steps necessary to get the help they need. Many have anger issues (understandably) and react negatively to direction. Many are volatile and, while they have learned the social skills necessary for common interactions, are not able to handle opposition to their stated desires. Most people who suffer from mental illness are not developmentally delayed, of sub-'normal' intelligence, or incapable. They do not need help across the street, a 'Disabled' sign for their vehicle, or a babysitter.
All are people - people of value and beauty and ability and creativity, with the same needs as everyone else - respect, compassion, affection, home, family.
But, because of their illness, many are so very vulnerable to predators, con artists, and others seeking to use them for their own purposes. Because of their illness, many have become ostracized from their families, and try to find other ways (and other people) to meet their needs. Sometimes they have dreams that are not going to be realized but, predators being what they are, are led to believe and hope that they are on the path to fulfil those dreams while they are actually being used in ways that will destroy not only their dreams but possibly their lives.
I can't give more details, because this is not only my story but that of someone I love - whom I can't help. But I can tell you that I am sick at heart. I rail at the system that has failed this person, the inability of our society to support and protect our vulnerable ones, our society that has supported (by pretending it doesn't exist) the sex trade, the society of good ol' boys that nods and winks and then blames the victims, and the women who refuse to stand up and cry out in the name of freedom. The churches who preach love and acceptance but judge and condemn, the legal system that preaches justice for all (but only if you're white, male, Protestant and reasonably wealthy - oh, and not gay), the social service system that has become an unwieldy Goliath, in place to support the employees instead of providing actual services...I'm mad at them all.
I'm furious with those who decided that closing mental hospitals was a good idea, because the communities would then rally and support their own inhabitants (yeah, how's that one working out?). I'm mad at people who are too afraid of someone who's a bit 'different' to actually reach out and try to help them. I'm mad at Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, whoever the hell they might be - I don't care - because between them all they made this mess and nobody wants to take responsibility to clean it up.
And you know what? Ultimately, it's not 'mad' - it's terrible grief. There's a heart here that's weeping and knows there's no good resolution.
Not dancing tonight.
later.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
time to grow up
Did you really enjoy middle school? Did you absolutely adore all that drama? Do you miss waking up every morning knowing there's going to be more excitement and angst in your day? Do you wish you could still change best friends every day, like you change your underwear? Well, do I have a deal for you!
Merely join the enormous group of people I seem to be fortunate enough (!) to be in contact with on FaceBook.
There are many who I respect and admire, people who refuse to involve themselves in drama and 'creative truths'. These people I am happy to call friends. Unfortunately, there are also many for whom the entire purpose of FB appears to be one 'OMG!' after another.
I will admit that, every now and then, I can get sucked into the beginning of one of those - when you read a post by someone whom you normally respect, there's a tendency to assume they know what they're talking about. Unfortunately, that's not always the case.
I have lessened my FB time dramatically, as it seems to have devolved into gossip, lies and drama. I am saddened by this - and perhaps it's not as widespread as I think - but I used to enjoy staying in touch with everyone and became accustomed to regularly checking in.
Now, I have to steel myself to read through the posts, because there's usually something going on that is either unnecessary, hurtful, or totally untrue.
I don't want to unfriend or block people - I actually LIKE people, (as long as they stay out of my personal space and I can control the amount of contact I have with 'em), and I don't want to miss the great announcements like someone's new grandbaby or something exciting like one of my best friends being accepted to Columbia! But I am so sick of the juvenile behaviour and hurt feelings and dishonesty.
Most of us began our foray into social networking with MySpace, and then that turned into something primarily for very young teens....so we all moved to FaceBook because that's where the grown-ups were. Now FB seems to be headed down the same path - and it's not the fault of the site managers, it's the actions of the participants that's making this happen.
PLEASE, can we all just put on our big girl panties and get on with it? Can we at least TRY to be grown ups? Most of my FB friends are at least in their 40s, many older - middle school was a very long time ago (and, personally, I hated it then, too), and unless you're in your dotage and returning to your youth we really don't need to act like 13-year-olds.
Thank you.
keep dancing
Sunday, April 10, 2011
the importance of *stuff*
hey, y'all - been gone a while, so much going on, with my wonderful Auntie Joan moving on from here and my suddenly being trustee and having to organize her estate. Going through her 40+ years' accumulation of treasures really brought home to me how we put so much value in 'stuff'... I know everything in her home meant a lot to her, and she would have been horrified to know how little of it has value to anyone else. Her photo albums, of course, are family treasures and amazing to page through - her history as a dancer and showgirl for the Bluebell Girls in the '40s, traveling through Europe with the troupe; her time in England performing at the London Palladium in the Follies Bergere (she also performed in Paris), the stars with whom she appeared - all show a time that will never be again. Then she moved to Hollywood, and appeared in several films before deciding to give up show business. She was an incredible woman.
But her possesions are just 'things' - the treasures of a person who lived alone.
It got me realizing that I'm pretty bad about 'things' too - my house is cluttered with stuff. Much of it is left from other people - I've had other people living in my home since I bought it 10 years ago - but a whole lot of it is mine. Things that seemed important at the time, but now are just cluttering up my space and taking up room.
I've decided to simplify again - did that nearly 30 years ago, we sold everything we owned and bought a 13-ft travel trailer (no room for 'stuff' in one of those!) The four of us (my husband and I, our two kids) were happier than we'd ever been when we lived in that. The simplicity was glorious.
So I have decided to sell my 6-bedroom, 3-bathroom house, and buy a little cottage in a very rural village 40 miles away. There is no room there for extraenous belongings - but there is a glorious kitchen, a beautiful location, and peace there. The littles and I love the place - it currently belongs to very good friends, and the home itself has many happy memories for me already. It's very small, with a small garden, but established trees and a south-facing aspect. There's no room there for 'extras' - it'll just be the kids, the dogs, the cat, some chickens and me...which is the kind of life I prefer anyway.
I will be getting away from a hefty mortgage (can buy this house outright) and will lessen the stresses commensurate with owning a large home. The kids are all always wherever I am anyway, so the fact that this current house is huge makes no difference to the amount of space I have *grin*.
So now I have the process of deciding what goes with us and what to sell or give away. It's all STUFF - none of it really matters tremendously anyway. I learned a very long time ago now that people matter so much more than things. I'll never forget one of my foster daughters (you know who you are, sweetie!) when she was messing with a bottle of chemicals and spilled it on the carpet - it ruined the carpet, and her face was a picture of terror. I was so worried about her and how scared she was, the carpet was completely unimportant but it took a while before she could hear me tell her I truly wasn't upset.
My little ones (and many foster kids) have damaged and broken many things in the house - it's never something that makes me happy, but it's not earth-shaking either. It's just 'stuff'. So much of my 'stuff' is not going to be making the move with us to our new cottage. I'm looking forward to the freedom!
I know Auntie Joan would have been saddened to see all her little treasures leave the house in the hands of strangers at an estate sale. Her memories were wrapped up in those - the things she picked up in her travels, the reminders of special people, the perfect lamp for her living room - but that's exactly the issue - they were HER memories and, now she's gone, those memories are too.
I am so very blessed because my memories are wrapped up in people - things are fun for a while, but none have any real value. When I'm gone, my kids will keep the odd bits and pieces that have special meaning to them but mostly they will keep their memories of me, our time together, events and occasions that made us laugh or cry together. I have those of Auntie Joan, but I'm all that's left. When I'm gone, my kids will have each other, and be able to laugh about our family history, happy and sad memories, silly stories, all the things that make a family cohesive. And in our new home, we will make many more memories - the celebratory feasts when the whole family gets together, the fun of a new garden and seeing what surprises pop up, the delights of picking peaches at the nearby orchard and coming home and canning, the weekly trips to 'the big city' for groceries, playing in the nearby lake, fishing in the stream right down the road - I'm really looking forward to this!
And I'm looking forward to only having those things around my home that actually have purpose or meaning to me. I'm tired of stress and clutter!
But her possesions are just 'things' - the treasures of a person who lived alone.
It got me realizing that I'm pretty bad about 'things' too - my house is cluttered with stuff. Much of it is left from other people - I've had other people living in my home since I bought it 10 years ago - but a whole lot of it is mine. Things that seemed important at the time, but now are just cluttering up my space and taking up room.
I've decided to simplify again - did that nearly 30 years ago, we sold everything we owned and bought a 13-ft travel trailer (no room for 'stuff' in one of those!) The four of us (my husband and I, our two kids) were happier than we'd ever been when we lived in that. The simplicity was glorious.
So I have decided to sell my 6-bedroom, 3-bathroom house, and buy a little cottage in a very rural village 40 miles away. There is no room there for extraenous belongings - but there is a glorious kitchen, a beautiful location, and peace there. The littles and I love the place - it currently belongs to very good friends, and the home itself has many happy memories for me already. It's very small, with a small garden, but established trees and a south-facing aspect. There's no room there for 'extras' - it'll just be the kids, the dogs, the cat, some chickens and me...which is the kind of life I prefer anyway.
I will be getting away from a hefty mortgage (can buy this house outright) and will lessen the stresses commensurate with owning a large home. The kids are all always wherever I am anyway, so the fact that this current house is huge makes no difference to the amount of space I have *grin*.
So now I have the process of deciding what goes with us and what to sell or give away. It's all STUFF - none of it really matters tremendously anyway. I learned a very long time ago now that people matter so much more than things. I'll never forget one of my foster daughters (you know who you are, sweetie!) when she was messing with a bottle of chemicals and spilled it on the carpet - it ruined the carpet, and her face was a picture of terror. I was so worried about her and how scared she was, the carpet was completely unimportant but it took a while before she could hear me tell her I truly wasn't upset.
My little ones (and many foster kids) have damaged and broken many things in the house - it's never something that makes me happy, but it's not earth-shaking either. It's just 'stuff'. So much of my 'stuff' is not going to be making the move with us to our new cottage. I'm looking forward to the freedom!
I know Auntie Joan would have been saddened to see all her little treasures leave the house in the hands of strangers at an estate sale. Her memories were wrapped up in those - the things she picked up in her travels, the reminders of special people, the perfect lamp for her living room - but that's exactly the issue - they were HER memories and, now she's gone, those memories are too.
I am so very blessed because my memories are wrapped up in people - things are fun for a while, but none have any real value. When I'm gone, my kids will keep the odd bits and pieces that have special meaning to them but mostly they will keep their memories of me, our time together, events and occasions that made us laugh or cry together. I have those of Auntie Joan, but I'm all that's left. When I'm gone, my kids will have each other, and be able to laugh about our family history, happy and sad memories, silly stories, all the things that make a family cohesive. And in our new home, we will make many more memories - the celebratory feasts when the whole family gets together, the fun of a new garden and seeing what surprises pop up, the delights of picking peaches at the nearby orchard and coming home and canning, the weekly trips to 'the big city' for groceries, playing in the nearby lake, fishing in the stream right down the road - I'm really looking forward to this!
And I'm looking forward to only having those things around my home that actually have purpose or meaning to me. I'm tired of stress and clutter!
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