back home

been an extremely tough couple of weeks, one way and another.  The adoption, of course, was nothing but good news and wonderful, but almost immediately after that I needed to fly to California to take care of my aunt.  Got home yesterday (and OH how I missed my family!).

Brain-numbing stuff, really.  Not only was there the (expected, but nonetheless awful) shock of seeing my aunt in the condition she's now in, but this is the first I've spent time in San Diego County in 30 years.  I did pop down there to visit my aunt three years ago but spent the entire time chatting with her and we didn't get out and about.  This time, I had to rent a car @ the airport and drive up to North county - and it was rush hour, Friday evening.  So, naturally, I took the coast route and just doodled my way up there in the dark.  
SO many changes, which of course I expected.  But there's expected...and then there's actually dealing with it. 

Found my aunt's house relatively easily, and got settled in for the night, although it felt very strange being there without her in it.   Spent some time talking to one of her fantastic neighbours, who has been there for Joan throughout this whole business, and she was able to give me some idea of what to expect.  Went round to the Skilled Care Facility to see Joan in the morning - it was just like seeing both my parents rolled into one poor tiny little person.  Her body and posturing, and her inability to speak, were just like my mother towards the end, but she looks so similar to Daddy.  Far more beautiful (still!) of course, but the bones...  She's not able to make her desires known and is completely in the clutches of dementia, but I did get a few smiles and a 'love you' when she actually realized who I am.  
I talked to the Facility staff and got the latest info, and then went back to Joan's house to try to make some sense of her filing 'system', so I could work out how to best plan her care.
She's obviously been failing for some time, but absolutely refused to let neighbours call me or me talk to neighbours - so none of us knew exactly what was going on.  In the past six months she's gone completely downhill, and her little notes to herself all over the house became less and less legible and made less and less sense.  She'd become extremely paranoid, and believed everyone was out to 'get her money', including the assorted banks she used - so there are half a dozen different banks with her finances all a mess all over the place.  Just trying to establish whether she had enough in any one of her accounts to pay for her care was my primary goal - and it took me three days just to get to that point.
After the weekend I began checking out the various living situations on offer in the area.  Driving around down there, where I used to live, was absolutely mind-boggling.  I KNEW the population had exploded and the 'Tri-Cities' (Oceanside/Vista/Carlsbad) had more or less merged into one but actually driving around brought that home with incredible force.
Part of what was so disconcerting is that, when I lived there, Serenity was 1, Matthew was 8, Blake and I were still young-marrieds....when I'd see something I actually recognized (which was remarkably rare), I'd want to turn to Blake and say 'Look!  Remember that?' but of course there was no-one there to turn to.  This was where he had grown up, and he had told me story after story of assorted adventures all around that area.  His family has been there for uncounted generations (he was Native), and that land was all theirs originally, so the stories were plentiful.
Anyway, mile after mile of disconcertingly built-up areas that never USED to run together finally all blurred and began to make a little sense.  I managed to find a lovely private home for Joan, began Conservatorship proceedings, found that there is a trust (and I'm the Trustee), hired a lawyer, went back and forth to court, and started sorting out the house a little bit  In between all that, of course, I went in to see Joan as often as possible.  


Now, being at home after a week away, it feels very odd to try to distinguish between actual memories of that area as opposed to what I saw earlier this week.  I'm still feeling as though Blake is just around the corner somewhere.  (And it doesn't help that we're coming up on anniversary time.)  I think we have Joan as well taken care of as possible, I think the conservatorship is all in place, the trust is as it ought to be and I'm probably at a place where it would be wise for me to sit down and try to rest up for a bit.  
I'll have to head back down there in the next few weeks to do more organizing  and do an inventory, but that's not something I have to think about right now.  


Having my little people and my 'larger people' welcoming me home has made it all much better.  I know we'll all get there eventually - to the point where we need the care and attention of our family - but these past few years have brought it home to me how vital it is for us ALL to get our affairs in order before we actually need it.  The gift that is to the family left behind is tremendous.